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Post by itrainmonkeys on Jan 30, 2013 11:49:29 GMT -5
I just plain haven't been trying. Haven't met too many new ladies lately. Need to get my ass in gear and stop being a lazy bum who just eats corn and listens to music.
I think it's possible to be just friends with a girl you like. You just need to accept the fact that not every awesome and attractive girl you meet is someone you need to have a sexual relationship with.
I started realizing this when it dawned on me that pretty much every single girl I have slept with won't be in my life down the line unless I get married to her. At most, I have minimal contact every few months with my high school girlfriend b/c we're friends at this point - and the rest of them, god knows what they are doing. I'll likely never speak to them EVER.
There is one girl in particular I know that is just the bees knees. I've known her for almost 10 years, have always been attracted to her, and she's straight up one of the coolest girls I know if not THE coolest. Like your situation, we go through our phases where feelings "pick up" and I've had moments and discussions with her where she said she's down. But then I get to thinking that if I ever sleep with her, a few years down the line, she will be out of my life completely (unless we get married, which we won't...at least not yet). It's just not worth it right now.
Post by bansheebeat on Jan 30, 2013 12:08:01 GMT -5
Yeah I realize that. And I"m good friends with a number of attractive/cool girls who I don't look at like that. This girl was just one of those "wow" moments the first time I met her.
Anyway. All my potential feels have basically disappeared. Just don't even know where to begin anymore!
Post by nodepression on Jan 30, 2013 12:12:09 GMT -5
I don't really know how to articulate this the way I want to, but I don't think it's the worse thing in the world to be friends with someone you really like, even if you're not quite in the place you want to be. There's going to be painful moments, and you certainly shouldn't count on it, but nothing is concrete. I've seen long-term friendships turn into really great/healthy relationships.
Post by itrainmonkeys on Jan 30, 2013 12:16:40 GMT -5
Everything is a case by case basis. Everyone is different and reacts to things differently. So it may work out to be friends for a while and turn it into a relationship. Most people's experiences on here seem like they weren't like that but that doesn't mean it can't happen.
I don't really know how to articulate this the way I want to, but I don't think it's the worse thing in the world to be friends with someone you really like, even if you're not quite in the place you want to be. There's going to be painful moments, and you certainly shouldn't count on it, but nothing is concrete. I've seen long-term friendships turn into really great/healthy relationships.
I've seen more long-term friendships ruined because one person grew feelings the other didn't and then it festered.
I dig what you're saying, you're an optimist in this regard and I was at one point myself. But when you're in that position, it goes so many different ways and almost every one of them ends up with one or both people hurt.
Not to go into too much detail, I slept with a girl for a year as "just friends." No real dates, no b/f and g/f type of stuff, just hanging out with our big group of friends in college and enjoying hooking up with each other. For about 6 months this was fine, then summer break hit and we spent an inordinate amount of time together for "just friends" because most people were home for the break. I grew feelings, she said she didn't (which to this day I suspect was bullsh*t, but it's complicated so I won't delve into it), and our friends who left in May to us just being two insane people who liked hooking up with each other came back in August to see the situation turned into some awkward dance where our friends could tell something was up, neither of us acknowledged it and we didn't stop hooking up.
I think up until the feelings are acknowledged you can say that the "hanging with someone you like who doesn't like you back" thing isn't the worst thing in the world. Once feelings are acknowledged and are not reciprocated by one side of the situation, you can't come back from that.
But for reals, someone once told me something that has stuck with me: nobody likes being down graded.
It is one thing to have friendship with someone you could maybe see having a relationship with but it just doesn't happen and another to have friendship go sexual/romantic and then stop. Despite what the "down graded" person says, they will always have an element of sadness.
Post by bansheebeat on Jan 30, 2013 12:22:01 GMT -5
I agree to an extent. I really value our platonic friendship and I don't plan on giving that up. But I also agree with the downgraded thing. I'll always be a little bitter over that.
One of my sociology professors told me that at a time when I was still delusionally "close friends" with my high school boyfriend (of 8 years, who I had broken up with). It hit me like a ton of bricks.
The cut-off line is whether you get sexual. And the ONLY reason I'm able to be "just friends" with that girl is because we never actually broke the drunk cuddling/actually hooking up barrier.
Once you hook up with someone you've entered a whole new arena beyond friendship.
I think up until the feelings are acknowledged you can say that the "hanging with someone you like who doesn't like you back" thing isn't the worst thing in the world. Once feelings are acknowledged and are not reciprocated by one side of the situation, you can't come back from that.
Nailed it. Things had been getting more and more "intimate" (never sexual just hanging out a lot more, flirting, etc) and after a while I just kind of laid it out like "hey i like you, I know you like me (which she said yes she did) so what exactly are we doing right now?" to which I got a "yeah blah blah blah I just don't think it's a good idea right now"
After that we didn't speak for a while, but eventually started to again.We haven't addressed it since, and probably wont for a while. But I don't know. Whatever I guess
Maaan, because having sex with someone involves a whole new array of emotions that you cannot control. Your body chemistry changes when you have sex with someone. It's science
Someone you are sleeping with is not "just a friend."
Don't get hung up on semantics. He explained what it meant:
No real dates, no b/f and g/f type of stuff, just hanging out with our big group of friends in college and enjoying hooking up with each other.
ITM, I'm not trying to make a broader point and then getting "hung up on semantics." In fact, this IS my point. That you can't be "just friends" if you are hooking up with someone.
April 12-14th - Indio, CA - Coachella Weekend 1
May 3-5th - Memphis, TN - Beale St. Music Festival
June 13-16th - Manchester, TN - Bonnaroo
July 12-14th - Louisville, KY - Forecastle Festival
August 2-4th - Chicago, IL - Lollapalooza
September 27-29th - Atlanta, GA - TomorrowWorld
October 25-27th - Asheville, NC - Mountain Oasis
Don't get hung up on semantics. He explained what it meant:
ITM, I'm not trying to make a broader point and then getting "hung up on semantics." In fact, this IS my point. That you can't be "just friends" if you are hooking up with someone.
It felt like your post distracted from the ongoing conversation that was flowing pretty well. I didn't want to see a debate/argument about "can you be friends with a person your sleeping with" come up in the middle of a thoughtful back and forth session of advice-giving. That's all.
April 12-14th - Indio, CA - Coachella Weekend 1
May 3-5th - Memphis, TN - Beale St. Music Festival
June 13-16th - Manchester, TN - Bonnaroo
July 12-14th - Louisville, KY - Forecastle Festival
August 2-4th - Chicago, IL - Lollapalooza
September 27-29th - Atlanta, GA - TomorrowWorld
October 25-27th - Asheville, NC - Mountain Oasis
The cut-off line is whether you get sexual. And the ONLY reason I'm able to be "just friends" with that girl is because we never actually broke the drunk cuddling/actually hooking up barrier.
Once you hook up with someone you've entered a whole new arena beyond friendship.
I disagree.
I have hooked up with...well...enough people that I've encountered a lot of different situations. I had sex with my best friend and everyone warned me I ruined everything. BUt I didn't, we're still great friends and when we get drunk and are both single, we hook up. We're not in love, we're not acting out some life-long fantasy, we're just consenting adults who like to get down with the get down, naw'mean?
Maybe I'm weird, but before I really figured out how to talk to girls the only girls I hooked up with were my friends.
The cut-off line is whether you get sexual. And the ONLY reason I'm able to be "just friends" with that girl is because we never actually broke the drunk cuddling/actually hooking up barrier.
Once you hook up with someone you've entered a whole new arena beyond friendship.
I disagree.
I have hooked up with...well...enough people that I've encountered a lot of different situations. I had sex with my best friend and everyone warned me I ruined everything. BUt I didn't, we're still great friends and when we get drunk and are both single, we hook up. We're not in love, we're not acting out some life-long fantasy, we're just consenting adults who like to get down with the get down, naw'mean?
Maybe I'm weird, but before I really figured out how to talk to girls the only girls I hooked up with were my friends.
I don't think it's something to be impressed by (the sexing, that is), but maybe the communication it took to get there?
I know it's a stupid and obnoxious cliche to bring it up, but I am floored by how poorly people communicate. Be it at work, at home, in a relationship, between friends.
Sure, when giong through puberty you're going to get "feelings" (read: boners) for any girl who gives you the time of day, but once that stuff subsides it was one of those things where we had a few drinks and literally discussed what it'd be like to hook up. But once it was all out there things happened. We basically communicated the fact that neither of us saw the other as a long-term dating option and we weren't infatuated with one another, so what would some harmless fooling around do?
Will I always care about her and will she always be special to me? Absolutely. But that's not because we had sex, it's because I trust her completely. She's the girl I run my current flings by for the Ceaser thumbs-up-or-down.
This is just one girl, btw, who I would care about this way regardless of any physical connection we had in the past.
I have friends where it is literally as simple as the girl saying "Flanny, I haven't had sex in like (insert time period yourself so I don't insult anyone who is in a particularly rough dry spell), can we hook up?"
I have good looking friends, so I usually don't go "Ew! But.....we're FRIENDS!" I'm also drunk whenever this happens.
